Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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