he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
