I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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