Soap is not a condiment
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
