just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Congratulations! We have a period
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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