I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
