Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
