I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
