I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
