she looked like the before picture.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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