i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My vagina is officially offended.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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