White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
