I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
In other news, I just burned my penis
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
