Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i believe in u and ur pee
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
