mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
organizing the empties. That sober.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
