Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
