just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
