The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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