The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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