Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
