Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
