drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
