I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
