I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
