I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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