Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
