I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
