Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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