You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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