the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
