I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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