I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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