the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just invented taco cereal.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
