i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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