Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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