my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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