She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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