so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
