oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
