your thong is hanging out like whoa
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
