so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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