Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
