she was so not down for the gang bang
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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