i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
