Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
