Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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