I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
did i just pee glitter
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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