I am spending my child support on dildos
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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