What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
