in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
