I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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