started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
