textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
