I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
